Belief? None of it here, sir.

I'm really thankful to those who came for the Art exhibition today (kaiying, annia, siyun), my friend who wrote me the note, the other one who had a short talk with me at the traffic lights and the teacher I talked to at exhibition. Professional critique/comments feel much more real.

But at the end of the day, I still feel pretty inadequate. I fear the reaction from the rest, of those who do not like it. I feel inferior when others place my work aside and admire the rest. I fear the "oh, it's nice" from people who look like they try too hard to find nice things to say about my work. They make me forget the genuinely nice comments. I really wish people would say something bad about my work and areas for improvement. I feel so uneasy when people praise me. It doesn't feel real unless it comes with critique.

In all honestly, I felt the work wasn't that bad by itself because it marks my progress. Not great, not exactly bad either. But is that enough? No, not really. Not with tons of people better than I am.

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I'm my greatest enemy. Even after all these, I find it far too difficult to believe in myself. It's been my stumbling block since young, but it seems to have gotten worse throughout the years. It makes me give up and honestly, I've given up on the A's long ago, telling myself it's impossible for miracles to happen ever since we stepped into the "TWO MONTHS BEFORE A's!!" period.

Had I planned to drag it till the end of the A's and let myself fail and have an excuse to retake it and (probably) have more time to catch up even though I know I'll never change? (just look at what I did during the O's..) Why have I let myself accept this "reality" of failing?

Probably because I knew two months wasn't enough to deliver shocking results that will help me gain self-satisfaction. Perhaps procrastinating gives me the excuse of being helpless so I could have another go at it, and to start earlier the next time round.

The question is, when will I ever be satisfied with myself?
Just what on earth do the words "trust" and "belief" mean?

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I'll end this post with "kizuna" (bond). Not exactly related to what I was saying above, but it's a great song to end a post with!


Kazuya Kamenashi - Kizuna

I really love this song even though Kame annoys me alot. All that matters is how great a song is. We shouldn't measure the quality of a song by the consistency of a singer. God, I suck at expressing myself but you do get what I mean right? It'll be a great song to play during a friend's departure cause it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!

Please listen to it, especially the chorus and the line "一歩づつでいいさ　この手を離さずに" from 0:48 to 1:24. AND 3:03 to 3:44.

No scrape that I like the starting too.

ueda appeared at 3:00 & 3:26 to 3:28!